I sent this to the White House.

The President should use an Executive Order to remove congressional Health Benefits. The Republicans keep telling us how excellent private health insurance is, I think they should get in on this sweet deal. Then, give them freedom and leeway to pass whatever Health Reform they think is adequate for themselves. Whatever they pass for us lesser American's can be their plan, too.

That is what we need: to free our Congressmen from the TYRANNY of government health services! Let them come up with an option that can work for all Americans. Separate but equal? I think not. Either put my family on the Congressional Plan or put the Congress on my plan!!!

My Health Plan is called Miller Light and Excedrine PM. Unfortunately, it is not helping the tumor this fake-tarded Health Reform debate has caused me to develop.

If the President sells out the public option I think he should include in his speech a reason that I shouldn't sleep in on reelection day in 2012. I don't really need to vote if I get to stay on my Excedrine PM Health Plan anyway, right? No matter who is in office, they are never going to stop making Exedrine PM! When Obama sells out my family for insurance blood money and fake bi-partisanship I need him to give me another reason to vote for him. Otherwise I will probably stay home and nurse my hemorrhaging brain with Excedrine PM.

Also, its pretty obvious that I should basically stay in bed for the next 12 years until another opportunity for Healthcare comes my way. It's probably safer in my bed for my fragile body. Wouldn't want to live a fulfilling life or anything. I might get hurt. And I don't know if you realize this, Mr. President, but there are some things that Excedrine PM just WILL NOT CURE. Like the deep seeded hatred I feel for insurance companies and republicans. And my contempt for you if you sell out on the only part of your agenda that is worth a damn.

Harvard!

So I just parked at the Thomas and Mack and roasted my way over to the Student Union. This is basically a 35 mile walk in good circumstances, but when its like 113 degree's outside and your college can't plant a fucking tree for shade its basically a Baton Death March. I say that because now I wish I was dead.

In other news I guess my husband will be working at a gun place now that is basically sanctioned by the NRA. Since I am actually a big old vegan latte sipping liberal gun hater, I think this sufficiently completes my transformation to total hypocrite! It's okay, you can congratulate me. The NRA pays in spendable American currency marked with blood and gun powder. I'll write VOTE OBAMA! on it and counteract all the negative social effects and sleep great at night like any other hypocrite.

Now that I'm a hypocrite, I've decided to apply for Harvard and cement my evil status in the world. It's my safety school in case I can't get into the world renowned UNLV Law School. Since I'm already academically fantastic all I have to do is write a stellar 250 word essay about myself that "stands out" from the other 5,000 applicants. And HELLO, have you read my blog?

You know the funniest part is that I have Political Ethics class in like 20 minutes and I have not even completed my assigned reading about corruption. What am I supposed to take "political ethics" seriously or something? Total Oxymoron. Like I won't still get an A even though I am evil? If you think that you seriously know nothing about college...

everyone hates the cops

So tonight I am drinking in honor of how we ran out of money since we've been laid off since February. It's seriously funny too, because are you aware that having no income disqualifies you from being on welfare? I'm not even kidding, either.

So I've pretty much toasted off my own face at this point and I'm literally stuck in my house forever because I just learned that now in Las Vegas if you go out and you are totally minding your own fucking business like driving home from work or something and some dickass cop comes along and hits your stupid ass while driving 109 miles per hour that shit IS YOUR FAULT. Even if he wasn't running lights and sirens. And the speed limit was 45. And his light was red.

And then they will call the cop a hero and throw you in jail and demonize you in the community. Also, they will try to get donations for your family even though everyone else is pretty much unemployed and already paid 2 million for some hero funeral by way of tax dollars plus life insurance payout. What the fuck ever. I love how its okay to be an asshole as long as you have some fucking badge.

I'm not even exaggerating and I feel okay about hating cops because I know one and he told me that it is pretty much metros policy to racially profile. If they can decide if I am a criminal based on my skin color I can decide they are dickholes based on their badge.

This morning when I woke up I realized that everything I ever believed is crap!



Which is pretty much fantastic and very convenient considering I'm suddenly on a team filled with losers and weirdos. I just want to assure the voters that I will do ANYTHING to win.

Ah. Just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside... maybe tomorrow he will decide to be gay?

Miss Abomination

No offense, but I consider the Miss America Pageant nothing more than a vapid bitch presentation. I never got why they ever asked them questions like anyone cared what they had TO SAY. Like, I'm sure if they had vast knowledge of politics or public policy they really would not be professional smiley girls anyway. I would be more interested in what they had to say about teeth whitening or bikini waxing because HELLO that is stuff they probably KNOW about.

I don't think it is fair to ask bimbos their opinions on things. That just makes them think it matters what they think, and it doesn't because it is a BEAUTY COMPETITION. And no, I don't care if they have fancy degrees because if they are SO smart then they would probably have something better to do than prance around on stage like some poodles. I seriously think it is unfair to even ask them questions like that knowing that they are just going to get all uncomfortable and demonstrate their complete lack of ability to form a coherent sentence.

WHAT THE FUCK IS AN OPPOSITE MARRIAGE?!

And also, no, it was not an impossible question. If she did not realize the answer that she should have given to Perez Hilton, then she is stupider than she sounds. I would have said this:

"I trust that this matter will be settled in time and that the outcome will ultimately be vindicated by history because we live in such a great country that has always been able to overcome differences and form compromises to resolve problems in a peaceful and democratic manner."

I bet if she said that then she would have won. Diplomacy is sexy.

pimped my ride

Today my daughter had a nosebleed in the front seat of my car. I told her to bleed into her shirt. In retrospect I may have been a little hysterical sounding since she was using the seat instead. She didn't want to get it dirty though, and when she told me this she began to cry and spew blood all over the dashboard and inside of the windows.

When we arrived at her doctors office she was covered in blood. I'm obviously a terrific parent.

While we were waiting my car was sitting in the sun. he he. I would like to thank the doctor for not seeing the bloody child in her waiting room for FORTY FIVE MINUTES. That was really upstanding. No one even called CPS or .... asked me why my child was covered in blood.

I thought about cleaning it sooner, but it already smelled like a dead body when we were done with the doctor. I was a little concerned about the spatter on the inside of the windows. But no one would believe I used a Prius to transport a dead body. Its a lunchbox with wheels. Everyone knows that.

No to Change

So I hate theory because theories are stupid ideas about shit that obviously doesn't work. And in this theory class in HENDERSON which... I'm pretty sure it would be impossible to loath Henderson any more than I do. All the other students there have rich parents and apparently no problems in life. Plus they are republicans which makes me hate them more. Because I get it if you are an old republican and I forgive you for the whole Bush debacle because lets face it, you don't even understand Twitter. OR EMAIL.... so it is not fair to expect you to understand that we have come to a new consensus about gay marriage. Sigh. OR EMAIL.

But if you are barely 18 and need serious dental work because I can't listen to you because your buck teeth are distracting me from your marvelous rant about how divorce should be illegal... I don't know I'm thinking you may need to re-think your opinions on socialism pertaining to dental care. JOE BIDEN DIDN'T GET THOSE CHEEZY CAPS FOR NOTHING, DUMBASS.

Also, there is a pretty good reason for divorce called "its probably better for the children if we separate before I murder you and they end up in foster care during my sentence..."

So anyway I had to read conservative literature in "theory class" and write the new republican platform based on the reading. Here it is:

Strict Regulation of Immoral Media.
Expanded Military
Ban Immigration
Destruction of Unions
Abolition of Minimum Wage Laws
Decreased Availability of Student Loans
Repeal of Affirmative Action
The "freeing" of Women from Work
Dismantle the Welfare System
More Death Penalty

There is seriously more. And I am putting aside the fact that the combination of these things would probably ruin my life... But now I am stuck on the paper. I can't find a way to explain how this is a "new and improved" platform. Because.... I'm pretty sure this is their current platform. And by the way I'm pretty sure I didn't need to take a "theory class" to know this already... I DO know how to use Twitter....

AND EMAIL. Goddammit! SERIOUSLY MOM, GET UP WITH THE FREAKING EMAIL ALREADY!